I’m not sure why I’ve taken a month off writing. I enjoy it, it’s a release, a score keeper, and a way for me to express myself, yet I don’t do it as often as I should.
Why is it that the things I know do me good, get put to the bottom of the pile? J meditates most days, it’s something which makes him feel good, something which puts his life in order and he is aware of the benefits, so he does it. So why when I know something makes me feel good, do I forget to do it? Or do I avoid doing it?
I’m sure i’m not alone in the neglect of myself. J says I use things like neglect and food for example to hurt myself. To step away from the ‘path’. I agree yet here I am again explaining the fact that I have not done something which makes me feel good.
I’ve been reading a book called the Monk who sold his ferrari for about 6 months now, and again that is something which was given to me as a tool to help me, yet I have watched it gather dust on my bedside table, then when the guilt of not reading it was so much I put it in the drawer of the same table. Why have I been avoiding helping myself? What am I scared of?
This weekend, knowing I would be on a train for a few hours, when J asked me if I had a book to read, I dug it out of my drawer and took it with me. I ignored it for the first train ride, instead messaging people or checking facebook. Then on the return journey I picked it out of my bag and started reading. I started at the point I had apparently left, yet it had been so long since I’d read it I had no idea what was going on. I continued and realised that this book wasn’t about the story but more about the lessons. Lessons which I need. So no matter where I pick up from, there will be a message for me.
The message this weekend was about my mind. The power of it. The torment it can create and the evil it brings with it. I have for too long allowed it to control me. To talk to me and tell me things which aren’t me, which change me into someone I shouldn’t be.
This journey of change in my life was brought about by a need, a desire. But are they the same thing or 2 completely different things? I knew I needed to change, to quieten my mind. But what was the desire? Was it to be healthier, to be fitter, to be slimmer, to know what I want to be ‘when I grow up’? To be happier? Was that the need also? Or was the need just for change in my mind? And with this the desire would come?
I think over the last 2 months – i’m now day 4 of month 3 – i’ve realised or am starting to realise that I could not go on being or doing as I had if I wanted any shot at happiness. I need to stop ignoring myself, and take responsibility for what I want to do. I have made the choice so I need to do it!
So the writing will continue, the healthy living will continue, the journey of self discovery will continue and hopefully one day I’ll be closer to reaching my goals. But I must be accountable. I will be accountable!
The second week of my ‘new life’ was a disaster start to end. There is nothing to say you can’t make the most of a bad situation, but I didn’t. Whether that was because my WILLPOWER failed me or I just didn’t engage or care…I’m still trying to figure it out.
We had a power cut from Tuesday til Saturday – it was -10 degrees outside and there was no light, no heat, we spent 2 nights at home in those conditions and 2 in a hotel. All of our meals were eaten out and I did not chose the ‘healthiest’ options on the menu, ever.
Up til Wednesday morning we ate quite well. I did my runs and also went to yoga. Wednesday it started to get bad….Although I went to cross fit, I ate badly. I had pasta on Wednesday night and probably a few cookies. I definitely had desert and red wine was high on the menu.
It’s these times which test you. Which whittle down the weak and make the strong surface. I embraced the fact I had been bad and carried on that trend. I consoled myself of the bad weather, the unfortunate situation of being ‘homeless’, with food.
So even though I believed in BALANCE, I don’t think I can anymore. I don’t think I can say ‘well i’ve been to cross fit now I can eat a cookie or a bowl of pasta’. It’s just not possible and not healthy, physically or mentally.
How many times have I been told, if you want to lose weight, or SHIFT FAT in fact because I’ve come to terms with the fact that if I am lifting weights then I hope to build muscle and that is heavier than fat, then its 70% in the KITCHEN, 30% in the gym…. I need to start hearing that and implementing it in my daily life.
The weekend was disastrous in terms of alcohol consumption and rice, chocolate. And the SCALES on Monday said so. I weighed myself and walked into the bathroom (we keep the scales in the kitchen so there’s no hiding from them) where J was and sulked. I was north of my beginning weight – south of 66kg. I was MORTIFIED. There was no denying that eating -within reason- whatever I wanted and exercising, is going to get me anywhere other than UP on the scales.
So what did I learn?
Even though i’m in a restaurant, I don’t need to chose the ‘yummy’ looking option, I can chose healthy and I CAN keep within my regime.
Preparation is key. My snacks could have been healthy, I could have asked for teas in coffee shops, I could have eaten nuts instead of chocolate. All supermarkets sell prepared and cut up vegetables and a tub of hummus – I don’t need a fridge for these when a bottle of water freezes in my car.
I didn’t need to open that second bottle of wine or drink the 4th cocktail….
Even though there’s no power, it’s possible to do exercise. NO EXCUSES
Don’t use a bad situation as an excuse – who is more important – me or the cookie??
Remember the end goal – GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL
Category: Slim down challenge | Comments Off on One of those weeks we all know too well…disaster
This journey will be long and there will be ups and downs, there will be times when I am ‘well behaved’ and others when I just have to embrace the situation and enjoy what’s there to try….this weekend was that.
Saturday started very well, we went to Cross Fit – I hadn’t been to cross fit since I was last here and I loved it, will be returning! The work out was –
Bent over rows @ 55pounds
OH Lunges w/25pounds
AND complete 300m farmer carries before the end of the WOD w/ 25pounds in each hand….
I completed it in 18m31secs – yay!!
Breakfast was yuuummy and true paleo!
Then here’s where being good came in. We went to the cinema and one of my most favourite things of all time..popcorn..did not cross my lips! BUT I have found that if I don’t eat for a while I get light headed, apparently this is normal and one should eat to relieve this feeling – PROBLEM is when there aren’t any healthy options, does one eat what one can get hold of, try the healthiest option (I’m in America sometimes that is just HARD) or just eat and then try and be as good as possible for the rest of the day…? I had a frozen yoghurt, plain flavour, small size. NOW writing this up now, would I have been better satisfying my massive cravings with pop corn at 236 calories or eating for the sake of it, the frozen yoghurt at 159 calories?? Obviously the difference is there but mentally, does that have anything to do with it?
The rest of the day was also up in arms with dinner with friends at a ‘spanish / mexican’ tapas restaurant.
The popcorn would not have been so bad in hindsight!!
SUNDAY – was much of the same….a 5.5km run along a snowy track which was LOVELY, first time out in the fresh air for some exercise, can’t wait for the spring, hurry up already!!
But then this is where it got bad…it was superbowl night and although we tried to take ‘healthy’ snacks to our friends house – homemade lean meatballs in tomato salsa and freshly made guacamole – there was so much delicious temptation from others… How could we but EMBRACE what is nearly a national holiday here and tuck into dishes specially (and I’m told only) made for that one day?? Needless to say we went home feeling full, sluggish and no where near as healthy as we had been for the week prior.