I’m not sure why I’ve taken a month off writing. I enjoy it, it’s a release, a score keeper, and a way for me to express myself, yet I don’t do it as often as I should.
Why is it that the things I know do me good, get put to the bottom of the pile? J meditates most days, it’s something which makes him feel good, something which puts his life in order and he is aware of the benefits, so he does it. So why when I know something makes me feel good, do I forget to do it? Or do I avoid doing it?
I’m sure i’m not alone in the neglect of myself. J says I use things like neglect and food for example to hurt myself. To step away from the ‘path’. I agree yet here I am again explaining the fact that I have not done something which makes me feel good.
I’ve been reading a book called the Monk who sold his ferrari for about 6 months now, and again that is something which was given to me as a tool to help me, yet I have watched it gather dust on my bedside table, then when the guilt of not reading it was so much I put it in the drawer of the same table. Why have I been avoiding helping myself? What am I scared of?
This weekend, knowing I would be on a train for a few hours, when J asked me if I had a book to read, I dug it out of my drawer and took it with me. I ignored it for the first train ride, instead messaging people or checking facebook. Then on the return journey I picked it out of my bag and started reading. I started at the point I had apparently left, yet it had been so long since I’d read it I had no idea what was going on. I continued and realised that this book wasn’t about the story but more about the lessons. Lessons which I need. So no matter where I pick up from, there will be a message for me.
The message this weekend was about my mind. The power of it. The torment it can create and the evil it brings with it. I have for too long allowed it to control me. To talk to me and tell me things which aren’t me, which change me into someone I shouldn’t be.
This journey of change in my life was brought about by a need, a desire. But are they the same thing or 2 completely different things? I knew I needed to change, to quieten my mind. But what was the desire? Was it to be healthier, to be fitter, to be slimmer, to know what I want to be ‘when I grow up’? To be happier? Was that the need also? Or was the need just for change in my mind? And with this the desire would come?
I think over the last 2 months – i’m now day 4 of month 3 – i’ve realised or am starting to realise that I could not go on being or doing as I had if I wanted any shot at happiness. I need to stop ignoring myself, and take responsibility for what I want to do. I have made the choice so I need to do it!
So the writing will continue, the healthy living will continue, the journey of self discovery will continue and hopefully one day I’ll be closer to reaching my goals. But I must be accountable. I will be accountable!